schmidthead.

And I just need a little time.

2009-03-07T21:37:00.000-08:00

I hate money. I wish the word could survive without it.
With that said, I am having a hard time. Each day I worry that much more.
I'll keep the rest to myself, but this song has had over 100+ plays on my i-tunes in the last twenty-four hours and that does not count when it gets played in my car and on my i-pod walking to class. Enjoy <3

xo

Busy Bee

2009-02-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

My life is a mess, but I am enjoying every bit of it <3

I wanna boyfrannn

2009-01-30T18:51:00.000-08:00

"Straight guys only feel three ways about girls. First, they love you, and they show it by writing a song about you and asking you out and everything is nice and fun like it should be. Second, they love you, but they're scared of their passion for you because it's so strong, so they stuff it way, way down and ignore you, or do stupid stuff like make fun of you because they don't know how to express it any other way, because they're immature little babies and are too shy to say, write a song about you. Or third, there's something wrong with them, and they start out nice and loving and then turn around and do stupid things like sleep with other girls behind your back. But we'll never figure out what went wrong with them, and neither will they, so it's not worth thinking about. The truth of the matter is, every heterosexual boy --and probably some gay ones, too, so look out, because that's just going to end in disaster-- you ever meet is going to fall madly in love with you. He may not admit it, but it's true. So you have to take responsibility for that and not do things to encourage him-- unless, of course, you WANT him to fall in love with you. Because it's cruel to play with boys' emotions in that way, because no matter what anyone says, men are the weaker sex."

- Meg Cabot.

Wow.

2009-01-25T14:19:00.000-08:00

"and you remind me a LOT of tay"

<3

Well she's a good girl.

2009-01-20T21:56:00.000-08:00

But nothing compares to an original <3

What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me?

2009-01-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

I am a firm believer in the universe and it's ability to bless or curse you. Be a good person, and good things will happen to you. Be a bad person, and the bad will follow you. A person very close to me said recently that how could so many bad things happen to a good person (meaning herself), and the truth is... she's not a good person. Be honest with yourself, don't just wish to be good. Actually work for it.

Give five dollars to a complete stranger in the dead of winter, just before eleven p.m. so they can catch the last bus home.
Laugh at a joke you don't think is funny, just so the other person won't feel uncomfortable.
Genuinely care about the people around you, and their feelings. Think before you speak and before you act in any way.

It's always the simple things that make the good people good.

Promise.

2009-01-14T15:34:00.000-08:00

Ben Harper will always be my favorite male musician. He is beyond amazing. So i had to share this video with him and Tom Freund because Freund is a great artist as well. It is hard to believe that was his first time on TV.. but better late than never I suppose. I love this song.

<3

gay messiah.

2009-01-06T22:44:00.000-08:00

genius.

And my favorite.

Goodbye 2008.

2008-12-30T23:42:00.000-08:00

This time tomorrow, it will be 2009.
2009.
Wow, where does the time go?
I feel like twenty years went by so quickly, hopefully my life will slow down a little bit so I can enjoy it a lot more.
I am ready for 2009, a new year, a new chance. But I will miss 2008, so many things happened. I'm changed forever.

January 22- You do not have to be old to die. Sometimes you can be a person that everyone knows you name, but few know who you really are. A few mishaps can take you away from your daughter, and leave the world thinking of all the greatness you would have accomplished if given a chance. We will never know, but we will always remember.

April 4- This year i woke up on this day and realized, without you I am nothing. You have never hurt me, you will never hurt me. Thank you for being the best friend a girl would ever ask for. Thank you for showing me what potential I have. I can only pray that I am half the mother you are in my future.

May 28- The first birthday you were not around for. Did God have a birthday cake waiting? Did you see my heart breaking? I missed you everyday of this year, but your birthday hurt a little more than the year before. I hope you keep my safe, I'm depending on you.

July 27- You were the only Schmidt, next to my father, who I ever loved. I never really learned German the way you always wished I would have, but that did not mean you never spoke it. Ich liebe dich. Your table sits in my new house in the dining room, your china sits in a box at my parent's waiting for the day I get married so it can be sharing with the world on holidays, and your blood is in my veins helping the heart you helped to shape. I will miss you, my dad will miss you, my mom will really miss you. Thank you for always being different, and for loving us wit our flaws. Ich liebe dich.

August 1- I am twenty today, and I'm on my own. A new house, a new city, a new start. I will never be the same. I know how it feels to grow up.

October 28- The new kitty was sick, and did not stay much longer than a week. But everything happens for a reason and in comes baby Tay. The first living, breathing, being to be dependent on me. My heart is now walking around on four legs with tan fur and gold eyes.

November- the entire month. Happy birthday Daddy, goodbye Otis, and welcome TSST PA. November brought the most incredible people into my life. And for once, I feel like I am the creator of something great. LOVELOVELOVE.

I know who I am. I know what I believe in. I know what I want out of life.
All because of 2008.

Hello Beautiful,

2008-12-26T10:45:00.000-08:00

thank you.

2008-12-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

I have a feeling that this Christmas will be better than the others. Only a few have ever stuck out in my memory.

1. The year my grand-mom bought me Missy, because I asked Santa for a little white dog of my own. I never thought I could have loved an animal so much, but she was mine. She was the first thing that I ever considered to be mine. Thinking about her now, still makes me sad.
2. My dad promised me a purple bike, the same year he told me Santa was not real. He tricked me on Christmas eve and told me he did not buy it, I was so angry at him I told him I hated him. When I woke up on Christmas morning, I opened all my presents, and then he told me to get a sweatshirt for him out of the laundry room. There was a purple bike there instead. I never screamed so loud in my life. I still have that bike, it just has a little more rust on it now-a-days.
3. The first Christmas without Ray. My grand-mom made everyone say hello to his ashes sitting in the corner of the room before we opened our gifts. It is morbid, and very scary... but people deal with things in their own ways. It was the first time when I felt like a piece was really missing, now I'm just reminded this year.

Hopefully this Christmas will be memory #4.
It is baby Tay's first Christmas, so I'm excited to see how he reacts to paper and ribbons flying all over the place.

Now I'm off to watch 'A Christmas Story' for the third time tonight. <3

I am the second man.

2008-12-22T17:53:00.000-08:00

I really like this song. The very first time I heard it... my boys were doing a cover of the song, so I wanted to hear the original version. Little did I know that the song had been around for yearsssss and I was missing out of it's greatness for so long.
I like songs that are about religion without being like 'I LOVE GOD', 'JESUS IS MY SAVIOR', 'GOD GOD GOD GOD IS AMAZING'
Sometimes the slight hint of religion instead of engulfing the song in religion... is the better choice.

Enjoy <3

Make Believe

2008-12-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

Jeremy Larson.

Obviously, I am on a music kick. I believe it is because I have been listening to so much new stuff, and going back to some very old stuff... and just admiring it all.

It's a great way to spend a bitter cold, rainy day.

Rabbit

2008-12-15T17:41:00.001-08:00

And the Grammy (hopefully) goes to...

2008-12-14T10:51:00.001-08:00

Everything I want, is mile away. In a snow covered little town.

2008-12-14T10:20:00.001-08:00

If I had a truck load of cash, perhaps I could by happiness... or buy other people's happiness. It is always a nice thing to think about, what would you get, what would you give. Here's mine, Merry early Christmas.

For me:
A nice red v-dub GTI, or a black hybrid (Pruis or Explorer)
An apartment or house, in New York, preferbably in Soho or Boerum Hill.
A trip to Perth, AU.
A chance meeting with three brothers from Jersey, or the blonde singer who grew up on a Christmas tree farm.
A puppy for baby Tay to play with.
A trip to Nashville or Los Angeles or any place in the U.S. that will give me great stories involving the people I would have met.
A check to pay off all, and I mean ALL, my college loans.

For others:
A check to hand to Katie's parents so they would never have to worry about money ever again.
A dependable car for Mary.
A house for Tracy, a nice house, big enough for five people.
I'd pay for Jonathan to go to college, where ever he wants.. for as long as he needs to be there.
Give my dad a meeting with Ben, or Kevin Bacon, or Sam Hagar... someone who has put a smile on his face for more than five seconds.
Help Matthew get out of his Mom's house, and be okay with himself because he's wonderful.

I'll ask Santa for a lottery win.

Take a deep breath girl.

2008-12-12T17:36:00.001-08:00

Finals are this week and I could not be more excited for the holiday come. Christmas is my favorite, not for the gifts honestly, but because it's a great time to be with my family. Now, if it would only snow, that would be the cherry on top. Highly unlikely seeing the last time we got a large snow storm was in the 90's, and wow that was a long time ago.
I like that at christmas my dad gets so excited when I open the gifts he bought all by himself, and usually it is Steelers stuff.. but that's okay because I love my Ben. I like that my cousin Tracy tells me how fat I am and that the new year should bring a new diet... she's kidding by the way. I like that my pop smiles, genuinely smiles, on Christmas morning. He never smiles anymore. I like that I can go to church and see everyone I haven't seen in ages, and not pay attention to the mass at all because we are too busy catching up on all the things we did and should have done this year.
This is the second Christmas without Ray, the first without Otis, the first without Tommy, and the first Christmas with me living in another house. This one is different, but I hope it will feel the same.

<3

"I live my life in spite of the attention."

2008-12-03T14:46:00.000-08:00

These are not the best years.

2008-11-22T21:49:00.000-08:00

But they are shaping up to be something pretty great.

"For children in their most impressionable years, there is, in fantasy, the highest of stimulating and educational powers."

2008-11-19T19:29:00.000-08:00

I love this man.

Saturday.

2008-11-17T20:51:00.001-08:00

Is this all really happening right now?

TSST Pennsylvania.

2008-11-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

I've been so busy, I have completely forgotten to write in this blog. I am so excited about all the things I have going on right now, I barely get sleep but one thing I am working on I'm having so much fun with.
Street team?
Yes please.

<3
lovelovelove.

The Best Day.

2008-11-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

I've waited two years for this to happen. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself.
I'm the type of person that gets overly interested in music. I dig deeper into lyrics, I want to know where they came from. Perhaps it is because I am/want to be a writer, and the impact of words heavily effect me.

I have a feeling come midnight, I'll be heavily impacted.
You're too talented to be your age, how does that happen?

Are you from Tennessee? Cause you're the only 10 I see.

2008-11-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

I really want a road trip. Kind of down the east coast, with no plans as to where I would eat or sleep... just plan it all as it comes. I think I may plan one for my spring break. This, of course, all depends on how poor I am and how gas prices are around this time. But I really want to drive with my windows down, taking in the nice weather... taking it all in actually. I'd really like to drive to Tennessee, and poke around there for a little bit. I want to go places. I want to live a life that I can look back on and say, at least I left my back yard.
Yeah, I definitely want to leave my back yard.

Circa 2007. Vermont/Canada Trip
Safe taking picture while driving.

Air isn't overrated.

2008-11-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is finally Friday, and I usually do not look forward to the weekend anymore because my weekends are just as hectic as my weekdays. But for some reason, I am excited to sleep in until 8:30/9 am for the first time in a little bit, and enjoy the boring day I have until I actually have to go to work at 5 pm.
My day starting a little later is probably why I am awake at this hour of the night. I enjoy the nights I get to spend up late, in my room, alone, and listening to my favorite music. I write better at this time, I listen better at this time, and I'm more inspired at this time. My music is flooding from the speakers on my tiny mac book, and it's a good night to have my window open just enough to here the traffic of I-95. I sleep better with the mixture of traffic and music surging through my ears.
Tonight is a good night to be inspired.

I have fallen in love with his music... so I had to share.

-Jeremy Larson

Yes we can.

2008-11-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

After eight years of having to be quiet, I made my vote count.
And he won!
<3

and for days and days I searched for you.

2008-11-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

One year later, and you're always on my mind
<3

Frozen Lake

2008-11-03T11:23:00.000-08:00

He took the time to type up his lyrics for me, what a guy!
<3

We thought we were invincible until the dreary night we lost control
Our angry words became an empty room, and for days and days I searched for you
Then I heard the news of what they'd done to you that last November
Is there something more in store for you and me
We'll start all over now, we'll make new memories
But I just can't explain exactly why or how
I lost you once before I cannot lose you now.
Tomorrow...

I'll follow your lead

2008-11-01T17:41:00.000-07:00

I wish I had money laying around under a mattress somewhere so I could travel to places like Kenya or Ghana, or other parts of Southern Africa and help the children that really need it. I did my research, and helping would set me back over fifteen hundred dollars.... trying to do man kind some good is expensive.
I am heart broken that I can not go on this trip.

Some day, and that day can not come soon enough.

On a different note,
I came across this song in a shuffle today, and I forgot how great it was and how much i wish I could just simply mail the lyrics to a certain person I know. Then they would really know how i feel. Oh well.
Denison Witmer - I Tried To Make You Smile

In the voice of Stevie Nicks I feel young
And I become confused.
Listening back to Fleetwood Mac
And listen back to careful thoughts of you.

I don't want to lose your friendship now,
And I've been feeling insecure.
Maybe we just need some time apart;
Everbody does for sure.
Can you see how I tried to make you smile?

I've always known that I can't change my past,
But didnt know that I changed for the best.
Your responsible for what happens to you now;
The choice of what comes next.

So I'm not gonna say I've failed us both.
I never thought that way of you.
Maybe we just need some time apart;
And I dont know what else to do.
Was it wrong how I tried to make you mine?

My ears ring with that one line she sings in landslide now.
Its never been so true.
I have been afraid of change
Because I built my life around you.

I dont want to lose your friendship now,
But I've been feeling insecure.
Maybe we just need some time apart;
Everybody does for sure.
Can you see how I tried to make you smile?

So listen closely, I am singing for you...

2008-10-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

A little over an hour ago it was still Halloween, and all day i kept thinking about my Uncle Ray.
It will be a year soon, and what a year it has been. I regained so many beliefs that I thought I had lost, I finally got to see two bands live that I had missed so many times before, I moved out of my parents house, started going to college at a real university, and made friends in the city. I traveled to Vermont/Canada! (christina<3), become a mommy to a new kitten, and saw the Phillies become world champions. He wasn't there for any of those things, in the physical sense anyway, and I guess I still can not believe it.
I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, and I know he was meant to be my uncle. He was meant to be the way he was, so I would know better. He was meant to leave us all when he did, so we would have an angel and know what it's like to really have to say goodbye.
To this day, I feel so bad for my mom. Loosing him was not easy, and a year later, it still isn't easy. I wish I could have taken that pain away from her, but I had my own pain to deal with. The pains of guilt, the pains of regret... all of which I still struggle with.
I know now how important it is to cherish the people in your life, even if they have done you wrong. I will always forgive, but in my own time. I miss him more than I thought I would, and more than others thought I would I'm sure. But I'll always have the ocean. There is no grave stone to visit and shed tears on... we have the jersey shore. I'll forever think of him as my toes hit the water and know he's apart of the ocean, as he always wished he'd be.

City of Brotherly Love.

2008-10-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

It's a good day to be a Philadelphia resident. SOUTH PHILA represent! <3
We're World Series Champs. (This is all for you great grand-mom, I know you're excited up there <3xoxo)

In the end they'll be the only ones there

2008-10-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

Ten years is a pretty long time, but I've enjoyed every single one of them.

you will always be mine

2008-10-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

r.i.p baby bo.

Baby Bo<3

2008-10-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

He's a very sick boy, today is going to be a long day.

October.

2008-10-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

Now it's endless. I'm heavy on pretending it's ok that you don't want to take a chance and fly away from it, so I'll tape my wings back to my side.

So so sorry just come back for me... now.

2008-10-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Sick, sleepy, and always lonely even when I'm surrounded by so many people.

You look out over a glittering vision of stability, a promise of love, of prosperity and permanence. you desire all of these things intensely, but just as intense is your urge to turn and run; to keep sleeping on couches and having ephemeral relationships, and to own nothing that can't be left behind. -Kate Williams

Thank you for everything you don't even know you do.

2008-09-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you.

'You have your dreams I have mine...'

2008-09-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

I wish I could fast forward the next couple of years. I'm ready to write all the time, live in NYC, and change the world. I'm so ready to know all I need to know and be just who I want to be. I want to help people without knowing it, keep people off the cliff. I want to be able to make a lot of money so I can share a lot of money. I want to interview the people who have changed my life, so they can change someone else's. I have too big of plans to wait three years to get them started.

"I tore her up.."

2008-09-20T08:49:00.001-07:00

pretty soon our hearts will stop beating. we won't feel pain or love again. new souls will walk above us. we can only leave one thing behind. we can never know the end of our own story.... we aren't aware of everything, only a few small things, soft skin, sound, color, and wind blowing in trees. there is a hush all around.

Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night.

2008-09-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

Rachael Yamagata.

B-e-a-u-tiful song.

Let my words, be your words. Let my thoughts, be your thoughts.

2008-09-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith Jehovah, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope in your latter end. And ye shall call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. And I will be found of you, saith Jehovah, and I will turn again your captivity.
<3

"What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters."

2008-08-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today was the first time in a very long time, probably since last November, that I have been this upset. I feel like I do not ask for much from the people I call my friends. I don't have many problems because I do not have many things in my life that cause drama. I do not have a boyfriend, I do not have stress when it comes to school, no family trouble anymore, and I do not spend my time with people that, I feel, bring me down. So when I need a friend to turn to, I expect to have that person attempt to be there... however this did not happen. I have been feeling like all the help I have put out, has been nothing but a one sided friendship lately.. and I'm very hurt by this. I ask one thing, a tiny thing at that, and I stand alone. I stand alone, literately in a crowd of people, no one to enjoy this with.
I want it known, regardless how much people hate them, I enjoy every ounce of effort they put in to what they do. I respect them, and I find them beyond very talented... do not argue with me on these topics. So the fact that I could not enjoy myself whole heartedly due to another's actions left me in tears. Tears that haven't gone away since I came home. Tears that are still creeping up on me at this very minute.
I feel cheated.

Party.

2008-08-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

City of brotherly love, place I call home. Don't turn your back on me, I don't want to be alone.

2008-08-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

Moving was the best decision I have ever made. I feel freer and I like the fact that this place is mine, and I have my own space to retreat to when the time calls for it. I chose a great city, a great house, and great people to spend this time with, and I couldn't be happier with the way the next few months are going to work out.

Not a moment too soon.

2008-08-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

"You're in my blood. I can't help it, we can't be anywhere except together."

2008-08-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

"All My Friends"- Amos Lee

All my friends,
all live in pain.
Longing for the warmth of chilhood,
to bring them home again.
All my friends,
got broken hearts.
And if the world's at stage,
we're searching for our parts.

We'll face the winds,
and break the strongest of trees.
And beckon for the sweet, soft, summer breeze.

All my friends,
got broken wings.
never will you hear them asking why,
the cage bird sings.
All my friends,
they know how to live.
oh so much sorrow,
so much love to give.

We'll face the winds,
and break the strongest of trees. Beckon for the sweet, soft, summer breeze.

We all know that storm is coming.
Everybody want to know which way to go.
i see the crowds running,
the winds gonna blow.

All my friends,
are dear to me.
Oh when the storm comes,
they're as close as family.
All the friends,
are the ones i chose.
If i hear them knocking,
you know i can't refuse.

We'll face the winds,
and break the strongest of trees.
And beckon for the sweet, soft, summer breeze.
All my friends.

I'm in a New York state of mind.

2008-08-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

I just got back from good ol' New York, NY this morning, and I miss it already! There is something about that city that overwhelms me, in the best ways a person can be overwhelmed, and it makes me feel whole. I plan on calling it home one day, and I figure by doing this, I can feel whole all of the time. I sleep better there, and all around live better there. However, the visit to Soho was not my favorite part of the trip, more for reasons I should not disclose, but I felt like a wave of anxiety was following me throughout that part of the city just waiting for me to pass that block that I really wanted to stay away from. Kira had to go, and we had to get a picture, I'm going to hate this picture forever I bet. The smile is completely fake, I have no problem admitting that.

Why is it that people you never meet have a way of making you feel for them, well actually, feel bad for them? I feel bad for him.

always.

2008-07-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

"Listen to this song, it'll change your life I swear"

2008-07-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

So I would like everyone to take these songs from me and enjoy every last bit of what they have the offer. The are constantly in my ear and a day does not go by where I do not listen to them. Each one of them is great and they are by far my favorites:

August Burns Red- Redemption:

This song reminded me of why I believe in what I believe in, and it give me chills every time.

The Beatles- Here Comes the Sun:

On the darkest of days, sometimes we do not realize that the light exists... this song always puts me in the best mood and reminds me of why I get up everyday. It is by far my favorite song by The Beatles, George Harrison was a good guy.

Ben Harper- Happy Ever After in Your Eyes:

He wrote this song for Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda Rose, and every time I here it I want to cry. I want this song to be played at my wedding because each time I hear it, I think about the lyrics and how perfect they are to say to someone you want to be apart of your life forever. I do not think of it as a father speaking to his daughter, even though in the end that is what it's about. I think about it as finding pure love and wanting to hold onto it forever.

Billy Joel- New York State of Mind:

New York City is the best city in the world, and I can not wait until I can wake up to it everyday for the rest of my life.

Cary Brothers- Blue Eyes:

I am going to walking down the aisle to this song when I get married. A nicer song has yet to be written about a blue eyed girl, and I fall in love with this song more and more each time I hear it.

Catherine Feeny- I Come Home:

I feel as if Catherine Feeny has been following me for the last five years and decided to write a song about my habits, and this is the child of the five years of stalking. The first verse is me, and I still can not believe how right on it is and a stranger wrote the words.

Coldplay- Lost!:

Coldplay is one of my favorite bands of all time, their melodies and the all around feelings they create through music always astound me. This song is on their new record, and I cry each time I hear it because I feel like it's exactly where I am at right now in my life.

Courtney Love- Letter to God:

Go ahead and call her a crazy crack head who stole all of Kurt's money, but my goodness I love this woman. She is the biggest mess in the music business, but she writes the most beautiful words.

Dallas Green- Body in a Box:

When I die, I don't want to be put in a box and placed underground. Bugs will eat me for centuries, and I can't go out like that. Cremate me and put me near the ocean.

Greg Laswell- Girls Just Want to Have Fun-:

This is a remake, but I like it so much better than the original. His voice is so mellow and calming, and all the song really needed was a piano and a great singer behind it anyway.

The Hours- I Miss You:

vv See the song below for why vv

Iron & Wine- The Trapeze Swinger:

These two songs remind me of my Uncle Ray. We did not have the best relationship, even at the time of his death, and it haunts me everyday. I learned to see past addiction and look at the shell that holds it, because in the end it's not the addiction that leaves but the person it took over. I will never do anything in excess because of him, and I have these songs to remind me of that everyday.

Kaki King- 2 O'clock:

Her voice makes this song fantastic. The words make it even more fantastic, I wish I would have found out about them both sooner than I did.

Needtobreathe- More Time:

Sometimes it is all you need.

Nick Drake- Fruit Tree:

I love every single song Nick Drake has ever recorded, but this song is my favorite. He died at 28 due to an overdose of medication, it seems a lot of people I like do that. However, this song reminds me how good music was before I existed.

Saosin- Penolope (Acoustic):

I want to meet whoever this girl is and give her a big hug.

Sleeping at Last- Needle & Thread:

There is a line in this song that goes, "You were a million years of work," said God and his angels with needle and thread. They kissed your head, and said, "You're a good kid and you make us proud. So just give your best and the rest will come, and we'll see you soon." It just gets me every time.

<3 You're Welcome.

Yesterday and Today: plastic cups and memories

2007-08-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

i haven't been around much, because of work and maybe because i felt as if i needed to be alone for a little bit. however, as of yesterday i put myself back in a position to be around the other group of people that really make me happy. the majority of people i know have one group of friends they care about in great proportions, i guess i'm lucky enough to have two.
even though i had this god awful sickness, i still managed to have a great time with these kids, i forgot how funny scott, toph, and ryan can be when put in certain situations. alcohol makes them different, never in a bad way... i always seem more entertained. i guess i'll never hear 'hey there deliah' the same ever again.

Yesterday: the best it gets

2007-07-08T12:24:00.001-07:00

i used to go visit my uncle john in new york a lot more often then i do now. there was something about that place that made me feel different, it made me feel better. i know a lot of people that hate the city, they hate the crowds and the constant noise, but the truth is somewhere in the middle of all that, i feel better. i always say I'm going to pick up and move there, maybe when i get more money and less of a life I'll find the time. but until then I've grown okay with the fact that my Saturday's consist of hanging out with the same people in the same spot doing the same thing as every Saturday night before that. they make staying here worth it.

the people i surround myself with now seem to know me better than i know myself now. i had my best friend know what i was going to say the moment i walked into our little gathering ground last night, and i indeed said verbatim what she predicted i would say. it's funny how situations like that work out, i guess that's what happens when you spend the majority of three years with the same people, they know you. they know your mannerisms and your quarks. they know how you'll react to a certain laugh or roll of the eyes, its nice to have people to back you up with a simultaneous "wow!".

I'll leave this place the moment i can, and me being me I'll ask someone to go with me because i am still the person who has yet to pump her gas after almost 4 years of having her drivers license.

Today: The Start

2007-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

i saw someone had one of these, and i realized i needed one. not so much so others could read it but more for myself. i write everything down anyway, so why not write it here and if anyone were to ever need it, it's theirs for the taking.

this may be the worst start but I'm doing it because i tell people about my dreams on a regular basis anyway, so those that know me know this is not a random occurrence. i tend to have awkward dreams that freak me out or make me ridiculously happy, however this one has been haunting me since i woke up at 9:30 this morning.

i had a nightmare that my brother died, i do not know how and i do not know why but that was the nightmare. and it haunts me because i woke up feeling like i was never going to see him again, i woke up crying. during this whole nightmare sequence everyone was going about their lives and i did not understand why the world did not stop because my brother was no there. i can not remember the majority of the dream yet i remember the emotions and turning to my mother and saying.. " i do not have a little brother anymore", and the look on her face made the nightmare that much worse.

my brother is four years younger than me, so we argue more than we get along and i have probably hit him more times than i have hugged him in my entire life. however to think of my life without him is beyond unbearable to my thought process. a couple days ago we went to see a movie together, just him and me. he got all dressed up and put on cologne like it was a date, my dad said it was because he wanted to impress the girls if they would happen to look at him. but i think he did it for me. looking at him makes me feel older, a lot older. he is bigger than me now, and it is getting hard to remember who is the older sibling is.