Yesterday and Today: plastic cups and memories

i haven't been around much, because of work and maybe because i felt as if i needed to be alone for a little bit. however, as of yesterday i put myself back in a position to be around the other group of people that really make me happy. the majority of people i know have one group of friends they care about in great proportions, i guess i'm lucky enough to have two.
even though i had this god awful sickness, i still managed to have a great time with these kids, i forgot how funny scott, toph, and ryan can be when put in certain situations. alcohol makes them different, never in a bad way... i always seem more entertained. i guess i'll never hear 'hey there deliah' the same ever again.

Yesterday: the best it gets

i used to go visit my uncle john in new york a lot more often then i do now. there was something about that place that made me feel different, it made me feel better. i know a lot of people that hate the city, they hate the crowds and the constant noise, but the truth is somewhere in the middle of all that, i feel better. i always say I'm going to pick up and move there, maybe when i get more money and less of a life I'll find the time. but until then I've grown okay with the fact that my Saturday's consist of hanging out with the same people in the same spot doing the same thing as every Saturday night before that. they make staying here worth it.

the people i surround myself with now seem to know me better than i know myself now. i had my best friend know what i was going to say the moment i walked into our little gathering ground last night, and i indeed said verbatim what she predicted i would say. it's funny how situations like that work out, i guess that's what happens when you spend the majority of three years with the same people, they know you. they know your mannerisms and your quarks. they know how you'll react to a certain laugh or roll of the eyes, its nice to have people to back you up with a simultaneous "wow!".

I'll leave this place the moment i can, and me being me I'll ask someone to go with me because i am still the person who has yet to pump her gas after almost 4 years of having her drivers license.

Today: The Start

i saw someone had one of these, and i realized i needed one. not so much so others could read it but more for myself. i write everything down anyway, so why not write it here and if anyone were to ever need it, it's theirs for the taking.

this may be the worst start but I'm doing it because i tell people about my dreams on a regular basis anyway, so those that know me know this is not a random occurrence. i tend to have awkward dreams that freak me out or make me ridiculously happy, however this one has been haunting me since i woke up at 9:30 this morning.

i had a nightmare that my brother died, i do not know how and i do not know why but that was the nightmare. and it haunts me because i woke up feeling like i was never going to see him again, i woke up crying. during this whole nightmare sequence everyone was going about their lives and i did not understand why the world did not stop because my brother was no there. i can not remember the majority of the dream yet i remember the emotions and turning to my mother and saying.. " i do not have a little brother anymore", and the look on her face made the nightmare that much worse.

my brother is four years younger than me, so we argue more than we get along and i have probably hit him more times than i have hugged him in my entire life. however to think of my life without him is beyond unbearable to my thought process. a couple days ago we went to see a movie together, just him and me. he got all dressed up and put on cologne like it was a date, my dad said it was because he wanted to impress the girls if they would happen to look at him. but i think he did it for me. looking at him makes me feel older, a lot older. he is bigger than me now, and it is getting hard to remember who is the older sibling is.