Goodbye 2008.

This time tomorrow, it will be 2009.
2009.
Wow, where does the time go?
I feel like twenty years went by so quickly, hopefully my life will slow down a little bit so I can enjoy it a lot more.
I am ready for 2009, a new year, a new chance. But I will miss 2008, so many things happened. I'm changed forever.


January 22- You do not have to be old to die. Sometimes you can be a person that everyone knows you name, but few know who you really are. A few mishaps can take you away from your daughter, and leave the world thinking of all the greatness you would have accomplished if given a chance. We will never know, but we will always remember.

April 4- This year i woke up on this day and realized, without you I am nothing. You have never hurt me, you will never hurt me. Thank you for being the best friend a girl would ever ask for. Thank you for showing me what potential I have. I can only pray that I am half the mother you are in my future.

May 28- The first birthday you were not around for. Did God have a birthday cake waiting? Did you see my heart breaking? I missed you everyday of this year, but your birthday hurt a little more than the year before. I hope you keep my safe, I'm depending on you.

July 27- You were the only Schmidt, next to my father, who I ever loved. I never really learned German the way you always wished I would have, but that did not mean you never spoke it. Ich liebe dich. Your table sits in my new house in the dining room, your china sits in a box at my parent's waiting for the day I get married so it can be sharing with the world on holidays, and your blood is in my veins helping the heart you helped to shape. I will miss you, my dad will miss you, my mom will really miss you. Thank you for always being different, and for loving us wit our flaws. Ich liebe dich.

August 1- I am twenty today, and I'm on my own. A new house, a new city, a new start. I will never be the same. I know how it feels to grow up.

October 28- The new kitty was sick, and did not stay much longer than a week. But everything happens for a reason and in comes baby Tay. The first living, breathing, being to be dependent on me. My heart is now walking around on four legs with tan fur and gold eyes.

November- the entire month. Happy birthday Daddy, goodbye Otis, and welcome TSST PA. November brought the most incredible people into my life. And for once, I feel like I am the creator of something great. LOVELOVELOVE.



I know who I am. I know what I believe in. I know what I want out of life.
All because of 2008.

Hello Beautiful,

thank you.

I have a feeling that this Christmas will be better than the others. Only a few have ever stuck out in my memory.

1. The year my grand-mom bought me Missy, because I asked Santa for a little white dog of my own. I never thought I could have loved an animal so much, but she was mine. She was the first thing that I ever considered to be mine. Thinking about her now, still makes me sad.
2. My dad promised me a purple bike, the same year he told me Santa was not real. He tricked me on Christmas eve and told me he did not buy it, I was so angry at him I told him I hated him. When I woke up on Christmas morning, I opened all my presents, and then he told me to get a sweatshirt for him out of the laundry room. There was a purple bike there instead. I never screamed so loud in my life. I still have that bike, it just has a little more rust on it now-a-days.
3. The first Christmas without Ray. My grand-mom made everyone say hello to his ashes sitting in the corner of the room before we opened our gifts. It is morbid, and very scary... but people deal with things in their own ways. It was the first time when I felt like a piece was really missing, now I'm just reminded this year.

Hopefully this Christmas will be memory #4.
It is baby Tay's first Christmas, so I'm excited to see how he reacts to paper and ribbons flying all over the place.

Now I'm off to watch 'A Christmas Story' for the third time tonight. <3

I am the second man.

I really like this song. The very first time I heard it... my boys were doing a cover of the song, so I wanted to hear the original version. Little did I know that the song had been around for yearsssss and I was missing out of it's greatness for so long.
I like songs that are about religion without being like 'I LOVE GOD', 'JESUS IS MY SAVIOR', 'GOD GOD GOD GOD IS AMAZING'
Sometimes the slight hint of religion instead of engulfing the song in religion... is the better choice.

Enjoy <3

Make Believe

Jeremy Larson.


Obviously, I am on a music kick. I believe it is because I have been listening to so much new stuff, and going back to some very old stuff... and just admiring it all.

It's a great way to spend a bitter cold, rainy day.

Rabbit

And the Grammy (hopefully) goes to...

Everything I want, is mile away. In a snow covered little town.

If I had a truck load of cash, perhaps I could by happiness... or buy other people's happiness. It is always a nice thing to think about, what would you get, what would you give. Here's mine, Merry early Christmas.

For me:
A nice red v-dub GTI, or a black hybrid (Pruis or Explorer)
An apartment or house, in New York, preferbably in Soho or Boerum Hill.
A trip to Perth, AU.
A chance meeting with three brothers from Jersey, or the blonde singer who grew up on a Christmas tree farm.
A puppy for baby Tay to play with.
A trip to Nashville or Los Angeles or any place in the U.S. that will give me great stories involving the people I would have met.
A check to pay off all, and I mean ALL, my college loans.

For others:
A check to hand to Katie's parents so they would never have to worry about money ever again.
A dependable car for Mary.
A house for Tracy, a nice house, big enough for five people.
I'd pay for Jonathan to go to college, where ever he wants.. for as long as he needs to be there.
Give my dad a meeting with Ben, or Kevin Bacon, or Sam Hagar... someone who has put a smile on his face for more than five seconds.
Help Matthew get out of his Mom's house, and be okay with himself because he's wonderful.


I'll ask Santa for a lottery win.

Take a deep breath girl.

Finals are this week and I could not be more excited for the holiday come. Christmas is my favorite, not for the gifts honestly, but because it's a great time to be with my family. Now, if it would only snow, that would be the cherry on top. Highly unlikely seeing the last time we got a large snow storm was in the 90's, and wow that was a long time ago.
I like that at christmas my dad gets so excited when I open the gifts he bought all by himself, and usually it is Steelers stuff.. but that's okay because I love my Ben. I like that my cousin Tracy tells me how fat I am and that the new year should bring a new diet... she's kidding by the way. I like that my pop smiles, genuinely smiles, on Christmas morning. He never smiles anymore. I like that I can go to church and see everyone I haven't seen in ages, and not pay attention to the mass at all because we are too busy catching up on all the things we did and should have done this year.
This is the second Christmas without Ray, the first without Otis, the first without Tommy, and the first Christmas with me living in another house. This one is different, but I hope it will feel the same.




<3

"I live my life in spite of the attention."

<3

These are not the best years.

But they are shaping up to be something pretty great.

"For children in their most impressionable years, there is, in fantasy, the highest of stimulating and educational powers."

I love this man.

Saturday.

Is this all really happening right now?

TSST Pennsylvania.

I've been so busy, I have completely forgotten to write in this blog. I am so excited about all the things I have going on right now, I barely get sleep but one thing I am working on I'm having so much fun with.
Street team?
Yes please.


<3
lovelovelove.

The Best Day.

I've waited two years for this to happen. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself.
I'm the type of person that gets overly interested in music. I dig deeper into lyrics, I want to know where they came from. Perhaps it is because I am/want to be a writer, and the impact of words heavily effect me.

I have a feeling come midnight, I'll be heavily impacted.
You're too talented to be your age, how does that happen?

Are you from Tennessee? Cause you're the only 10 I see.

I really want a road trip. Kind of down the east coast, with no plans as to where I would eat or sleep... just plan it all as it comes. I think I may plan one for my spring break. This, of course, all depends on how poor I am and how gas prices are around this time. But I really want to drive with my windows down, taking in the nice weather... taking it all in actually. I'd really like to drive to Tennessee, and poke around there for a little bit. I want to go places. I want to live a life that I can look back on and say, at least I left my back yard.
Yeah, I definitely want to leave my back yard.

Circa 2007. Vermont/Canada Trip
Safe taking picture while driving.

Air isn't overrated.

Tomorrow is finally Friday, and I usually do not look forward to the weekend anymore because my weekends are just as hectic as my weekdays. But for some reason, I am excited to sleep in until 8:30/9 am for the first time in a little bit, and enjoy the boring day I have until I actually have to go to work at 5 pm.
My day starting a little later is probably why I am awake at this hour of the night. I enjoy the nights I get to spend up late, in my room, alone, and listening to my favorite music. I write better at this time, I listen better at this time, and I'm more inspired at this time. My music is flooding from the speakers on my tiny mac book, and it's a good night to have my window open just enough to here the traffic of I-95. I sleep better with the mixture of traffic and music surging through my ears.
Tonight is a good night to be inspired.













I have fallen in love with his music... so I had to share.

-Jeremy Larson

Yes we can.

After eight years of having to be quiet, I made my vote count.
And he won!
<3

and for days and days I searched for you.

One year later, and you're always on my mind
<3

Frozen Lake

He took the time to type up his lyrics for me, what a guy!
<3




We thought we were invincible until the dreary night we lost control
Our angry words became an empty room, and for days and days I searched for you
Then I heard the news of what they'd done to you that last November
Is there something more in store for you and me
We'll start all over now, we'll make new memories
But I just can't explain exactly why or how
I lost you once before I cannot lose you now.
Tomorrow...

I'll follow your lead

I wish I had money laying around under a mattress somewhere so I could travel to places like Kenya or Ghana, or other parts of Southern Africa and help the children that really need it. I did my research, and helping would set me back over fifteen hundred dollars.... trying to do man kind some good is expensive.
I am heart broken that I can not go on this trip.

Some day, and that day can not come soon enough.





On a different note,
I came across this song in a shuffle today, and I forgot how great it was and how much i wish I could just simply mail the lyrics to a certain person I know. Then they would really know how i feel. Oh well.
Denison Witmer - I Tried To Make You Smile

In the voice of Stevie Nicks I feel young
And I become confused.
Listening back to Fleetwood Mac
And listen back to careful thoughts of you.

I don't want to lose your friendship now,
And I've been feeling insecure.
Maybe we just need some time apart;
Everbody does for sure.
Can you see how I tried to make you smile?

I've always known that I can't change my past,
But didnt know that I changed for the best.
Your responsible for what happens to you now;
The choice of what comes next.

So I'm not gonna say I've failed us both.
I never thought that way of you.
Maybe we just need some time apart;
And I dont know what else to do.
Was it wrong how I tried to make you mine?

My ears ring with that one line she sings in landslide now.
Its never been so true.
I have been afraid of change
Because I built my life around you.

I dont want to lose your friendship now,
But I've been feeling insecure.
Maybe we just need some time apart;
Everybody does for sure.
Can you see how I tried to make you smile?

So listen closely, I am singing for you...

A little over an hour ago it was still Halloween, and all day i kept thinking about my Uncle Ray.
It will be a year soon, and what a year it has been. I regained so many beliefs that I thought I had lost, I finally got to see two bands live that I had missed so many times before, I moved out of my parents house, started going to college at a real university, and made friends in the city. I traveled to Vermont/Canada! (christina<3), become a mommy to a new kitten, and saw the Phillies become world champions. He wasn't there for any of those things, in the physical sense anyway, and I guess I still can not believe it.
I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, and I know he was meant to be my uncle. He was meant to be the way he was, so I would know better. He was meant to leave us all when he did, so we would have an angel and know what it's like to really have to say goodbye.
To this day, I feel so bad for my mom. Loosing him was not easy, and a year later, it still isn't easy. I wish I could have taken that pain away from her, but I had my own pain to deal with. The pains of guilt, the pains of regret... all of which I still struggle with.
I know now how important it is to cherish the people in your life, even if they have done you wrong. I will always forgive, but in my own time. I miss him more than I thought I would, and more than others thought I would I'm sure. But I'll always have the ocean. There is no grave stone to visit and shed tears on... we have the jersey shore. I'll forever think of him as my toes hit the water and know he's apart of the ocean, as he always wished he'd be.

City of Brotherly Love.

It's a good day to be a Philadelphia resident. SOUTH PHILA represent! <3
We're World Series Champs. (This is all for you great grand-mom, I know you're excited up there <3xoxo)

In the end they'll be the only ones there

Ten years is a pretty long time, but I've enjoyed every single one of them.

you will always be mine

r.i.p baby bo.

Baby Bo<3

He's a very sick boy, today is going to be a long day.

October.

Now it's endless. I'm heavy on pretending it's ok that you don't want to take a chance and fly away from it, so I'll tape my wings back to my side.

So so sorry just come back for me... now.

Sick, sleepy, and always lonely even when I'm surrounded by so many people.


You look out over a glittering vision of stability, a promise of love, of prosperity and permanence. you desire all of these things intensely, but just as intense is your urge to turn and run; to keep sleeping on couches and having ephemeral relationships, and to own nothing that can't be left behind. -Kate Williams

Thank you for everything you don't even know you do.

Thank you.